


Casual Affair

by badwolfofbakerstreet



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Smut, Cas' POV, Dean's POV, Everyone's POV!, If Destiel Was Canon, It's a POV party!, M/M, Sam's POV, Season/Series 06, Season/Series 07, Season/Series 08, Smut, a bunch of jumbled up happenings, and stuff, because those things go hand in hand, you're all invited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-05-15 07:11:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5776354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badwolfofbakerstreet/pseuds/badwolfofbakerstreet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would the series be like if Destiel was actually kind of canon, in a way... In a sexual way... In a really horrible and not so nice kind of way. Because the two are addicted to one another, and nothing good every comes of an addiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude: Memories

**Author's Note:**

> The chapter titles are going to be Panic! At the Disco song titles, as the title of this fic is such.

The first time Dean Winchester ever had feelings for another guy, it caught him off guard. There he was, as straight as can be, checking out all the chicks he could, and then he wasn’t. It simply wasn’t what he wanted to look at anymore, because all he could look at was him. That tilted head, blue eyed, messy haired angel of the lord that yanked his ass out of hell and shoved him back into his body. Not without leaving a souvenir behind, of course.

To be honest, it confused the hell out of him. He wasn’t sure if he was just thankful that the dude rescued him, or if there was a real attraction, but the fear mixed with the arousal was really starting to get to him. It happened the first time he met the guy. They were in that shack covered in sigils, none of which worked against an angel, and he got real close, and his eyes looked right through Dean. With a dry swallow and a deep breath, he could feel it spark, the attraction. But then again, that fear helped keep the attraction part at bay for a time.

That is, until Castiel began to trust the Winchester, and began to consider him a friend, or charge or whatever it was the angel saw him as. A confidant, some sort of Golden Girls crap that Dean didn’t really care about, he just cared that Cas was there for him when he needed him, and he liked that. He was reliable, like family, only much more... Intriguing. He’d never looked at Sam that way, no matter what the Supernatural fans in the forums were saying.

The constant back and forth with the guy didn’t help; one week he’d be behind the Winchester’s cause, all about helping them out, and then he’d get yanked back to heaven and set right. The first time that happened, when he returned to them, Dean wished he could have just pulled him in and kissed him, brought back all those feelings with just one quick connection of their lips. It would have worked, he knew it would have. But it would have confused the crap out of his brother, so he refrained, and instead worried about the damn angel for weeks until he finally came back to them when it mattered most.

The second time Dean realized he had feelings for Cas was oddly enough when he was being beaten up by him. The angel had him slammed against a brick wall, was yelling at him and punching him repeatedly. Dean never wanted the contact to end, though he wished it was less painful, sure. He tried to stop the beating, to make Castiel stop for just a moment as he was being help up against that cold building, and it almost worked. He hesitated for the briefest of moments and that’s when Dean saw it, the emotion. The pure, raw, unfiltered emotion the angel was showing towards him, the concern and love. He felt it in more than just the throbbing in his face.

But it didn’t happen then, no, there was too much going on, too much at stake. Dean was conflicted, he wanted to say ‘yes’ to get the whole apocalypse thing over with. He just wanted it to all be over, and if that meant giving up any possible future with the angel, then so be it. He was willing. Just to be happy, to make sure Sam would be happy. To save the world, he’d give up almost anything, that was Dean Winchester’s downfall. That hero chip on his shoulder.

When Dean finally decided to make his move, it was probably at the strangest time imaginable. Sam had no soul, Dean wanted to get it back, they were trying to kill Crowley. Castiel was watching porn. And Dean found it oddly endearing, though he reprimanded the angel in front of his brother, just to be safe, he thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. So when Sam squared left the building, Dean got up, and he went and sat down next to Cas on the couch.

“Why are you watching this?” Dean asked, laughing a bit still. Castiel looked at him, a slight blush on his cheeks as he held his legs closed with his arms over his lap. Dean shifted to get a better angle to see if his assumption was right, but Cas had it well covered if he had indeed popped a boner. Dean didn’t even know it was possible for angels to get one.

“Like I said, it was on.” Cas sighed, “The human race is strange. Copulation for personal enjoyment.” He had his head tilted at the screen, “I don’t get it.”

Dean saw his chance. “What don’t you get?” He asked, paying absolutely no attention to the TV, his eyes were only for Cas at that moment.

“Why is that enjoyable? It looks painful.” There were slapping sounds coming from the TV as well as screams, Dean sighed and picked up the remote, quickly turning the porn off. Castiel turned to him with wide eyes.

“It can be enjoyable, some people are into pain, but other people, normal people, like it... Normal...” Dean stammered a bit towards the end of his sentence, he didn’t care.

“Is that how you like it? Normal?” Cas asked, Dean lost his motor functions for a moment, but quickly regained them.

“I guess so.” He shrugged, turning more towards the angel and scooting a bit closer, the angel didn’t back away, Dean took it as a win.

“You’re not like this pizza man? You don’t slap women’s rear ends?” Castiel asked, there was a fraction of a smile forming on his lips, Dean could tell it was more of a joke than a question, he was going to answer anyway.

“Only if they like it.” Dean smirked, “Or if they’ve been naughty.” Dean mentally scolded himself for using the word naughty like he was a teacher in a bad porno, Castiel seemed to respond though.

“Like if they’ve been dishonest?” Cas asked, his eyes narrowing at Dean.

“Sure. But the spanking thing isn’t really my favorite.” The hunter said, hoping that statement would get them on the right track.

“What is your favorite?” Castiel asked, that was exactly what Dean had hoped he’d ask, and Dean shifted ever closer, his knee brushed against the angels and his arm was around the back of the couch as he leaned in.

“I’ll show you.” Dean muttered and Castiel turned his face to Dean, though at that moment, Samuel and Sam walked back into the room, breaking up any possible kiss that was about to happen. Dean and Castiel jerked back from one another as if they’d been burned. Neither Sam seemed to notice.

Dean was determined, however. He and Cas were fighting about Sam’s soul, Castiel was pissing Dean off, so he turned back to look at him and crossed the room, walked right up to the angel and grabbed his face.

“Dean-” Cas started, in confusion, before Dean pressed his lips lightly against the angels, testing it out, staring at one another in silence, only their breathing, well Dean’s breathing, could be heard. Then Dean cupped Cas’ cheek and pulled his face closer and their lips met in an almost too chaste kiss. Dean wanted more, but pulled away instead, the astonishment of what just happened not quite working its way into his brain yet. Castiel stood in awe.

“If I knew that’s what it would take to get you to shut up, I would have done it years ago.” Dean smirked, stepping away from Cas; as much as he was loath to admit it, his actions may have been fueled by the looks Meg had given the angel earlier. He wanted to be the first to touch his lips to the angels, he didn’t want Meg to sneak in there.

Like she did later, his stomach flipped as he watched Castiel turn her and push her against the wall-he wasn’t happy about how it made him feel, but then the angel looked at him and told him he learned it from the pizza man and Dean smirked. He had the knowledge that _he'd_  kissed Cas first, and that was what mattered.


	2. This is Gospel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so you're gonna notice that I used some actual dialogue from the show, cause, hey, it's kind of interesting to me to twist what happened in the show to make it mean something else. Like, "oh that line there, yeah that actually meant something different in their heads"
> 
> Like, it'll make you start to think, hmmm, perhaps this was really happening in their universe and we just don't see it... as if it were real... That's how you know you have issues... Whoops. Sorry, I'll go away now.

Dean slammed into his bed, thankful for once that he had a bed to crash into. Sure it wasn’t actually a bed as much as it was the couch made up for him in Bobby’s living room, but who cared. He turned over and stared up at the ceiling. The past few days hadn’t been easy, trying to figure out if Crowley was alive. He arrived at Bobby’s to find them torturing a demon henchman of said King of Hell. He’d been trying to track down Castiel. Holding onto his faith in the angel had become extremely hard, he wasn’t making it any easier. As much as Dean wanted to believe he wasn’t working with Crowley, the evidence was beginning to stack up against him. And neither Sam nor Bobby were letting him forget it.

Eventually he let his eyes slip closed, and he soon drifted off into dream land. The dream started out as per usual, it was something straight out of Casa Erotica, real classy. The room was red, the walls were velvet... Then again, maybe not so classy. He sat on a plush black couch, and a beautiful woman was dancing in front of him, dressed, of course, as an angel. She used to be completely nude, but lately he’d found the angel costume infiltrating his thoughts. He knew why, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to admit it out loud.

He closed his eyes and pictured blue ones staring back into his, memories of fleeting looks that were gone too soon. It pissed him off more than he wished it had, but that damn angel had somehow gotten to him. Normally he was the straightest son of a bitch either side of the Mississippi, but not when it came to Cas. He opened his eyes and the girl was gone, the entire room, in fact, was gone. He found himself sitting in the grass.

“The hell?” He asked, looking around, his hands gripping the green blades.

“Hello Dean.” He heard the gruff voice call out from behind him and he turned so quickly, it might have hurt, had it not been a dream.

“Cas? Where the hell have you been, man?” He sprang to his feet, unsure whether to hit the angel or hug him.

“I’ve been busy.” He sighed, “This was the easiest way to talk to you.” He looked down at the ground, Dean could see that he was struggling with something.

“You could just come to Bobby’s...” Dean suggested, hesitantly stepping closer.

“I can’t see them, they’re angry with me, I can feel it.” Cas’ voice was grainier than usual, and he looked exhausted.

“What have you been doing?” Dean asked, his eyes filling with worry.

“That’s not important. What’s important... What I need to know...” Castiel sighed, unsure of what he wanted to say.

Dean felt a spike of nervousness in his chest, he needed to quell whatever fear he had at that moment, a joke then: “You wanna watch some porn again? I know, it’s addicting, but don’t let the addiction take over your life. Just know that we care about you.” Dean smirked, Cas looked up at him and shook his head, smiling at the ridiculousness of the hunter. He breathed deep.

“Do you trust me?” He asked suddenly, and Dean was almost rendered speechless, his smile completely vanished.

“Why?” He asked, unsure of the angel’s intentions.

“I just need to know, do you trust me?” Castiel seemed small, almost child-like while waiting for his answer.

“Yeah, course.” Dean said, his smile returning, “I always trust you.” He stepped forward again, further closing the small gap between him and the angel. Castiel continued to stare at the ground, his shoulders slumped, as if he was worried Dean would say that, “Is that the right answer?” Dean asked, moving even closer to Cas. In normal circumstances, he’d never get that close to the angel without a reason, but it was his dream, and he couldn’t think of anything else; plus it was the first time he’d really been alone with Cas since that brief moment a few weeks back. Castiel looked up at Dean, surprised by the sudden closeness and almost stepped back.

“You shouldn’t.” Castiel said, his eyes telling something unknown, and Dean couldn’t begin to name it.

“Why?” Dean asked, his brow furrowing, his hands becoming antsy at his sides, he yearned to move them up, to cup the angel’s face and bring it closer.

“I’m not...” Castiel sighed, letting his face drop again and began to turn away but this time Dean gave into his urges, reaching up and grabbing a hold of his chin, turning it and lifting his eyes back up to look into his own.

“I trust you _Castiel_ , whether you like it or not. Can’t help it.” He shrugged, the smirk on his face growing into more of a smile.

“Why?” Cas asked, mimicking Dean’s method of questioning, his face utterly confused.

“I thought it’d be obvious.” He breathed, letting his other shaky hand wrap around the angel’s waist, the material of his trench coat feeling foreign beneath his fingers.

“Dean.” Castiel breathed, “This is not what I intended when I came here.” He said the words, but his hands betrayed him as they grabbed at the fabric of Dean’s shirt.

“Well...” Dean shrugged, “You interrupted my personal me-time.” He leaned in until his lips were inches away from the other man’s, “You should make it up to me.”

“How will I do th--” Dean cut his question off by bringing their lips together in an apprehensive lock, he lingered, unmoving, giving Castiel a chance to respond; Cas’ eyes were wide open, looking down at the scruffy face that was so close to his own. Dean moved slightly, his nose nudging against the angels and Castiel allowed his eyes to fall shut. His hands slid upwards, grabbing even tighter onto the dark gray cotton shirt that the hunter was wearing. He tugged at it as Dean pushed against him, his tongue flicking out against his bottom lip, and he opened his mouth willingly, meeting Dean’s tongue eagerly. This kiss was exponentially better than the short, stolen one in a dingy room had been. Dean moaned into his mouth and Castiel smiled, not knowing how wonderful something so simple and primal could be.

He suddenly found himself being pushed against a wall and they broke the kiss. Though the angel didn’t really need it, he caught his breath and looked around, confused by how they were now in a room. He looked back at Dean, his eyes seeking answers.

“It’s my dream.” Dean said, his hands moving Castiel’s coat off of his shoulders, “I have some control.”

“You have full control.” Castiel breathed and Dean smiled, leaning in to kiss him again.

“I like the sound of that.” Dean said softly, bringing their lips together for the second time. This time was rougher, the passion was unwavering. Their tongues made an appearance with no hesitation, Castiel’s hands ran through Dean’s hair before settling around his neck and Dean pushed forward, his hands running down to beneath Castiel, picking him up the best he could. This being his dream, Cas was as light as he wanted him to be.

The angel tentatively wrapped his legs around his hunter as Dean moved his kisses down, sweeping his lips across his jaw, and down to his neck, panting as he ground against the angel. Castiel’s eyes widened at the new sensation as Dean nipped at his neck playfully, sucking lightly before pulling away, and looking up at the flushed face of the angel.

“Create a bed.” Castiel suggested, his voice sounded completely wrecked, and Dean smiled.

“Enjoyable, isn’t it?” He said as he turned with Castiel still in his arms. The angel was worried as they began falling, but the sensation in his chest disappeared as his back hit a soft surface. Cas let his hands venture down, tugging at the base of Dean’s shirt and Dean leaned back long enough to have the shirt tugged over his head before he began working on the buttons of Castiel’s shirt. He hesitated briefly, “If it’s my dream, can’t I just imagine our clothes off?”

“I would assume so, but wouldn’t that remove all the fun from our current situation?” Cas smirked, Dean’s breath hitched as he looked down at him. He’d never imagined seeing such a sight, the angel disheveled, hair a mess, lips swollen, beneath him. The thought made him twitch as he began to get uncomfortably hard, his jeans quickly becoming a problem.

Castiel ran his hands down Dean’s chest, feeling along his abs until they played at the top of said jeans, as if he was reading his mind, which he might have been, he popped the first button, the pressure releasing slightly and Dean looked down. When he raised his eyes again, he met Castiel’s and they were filled with a hunger, and a need, gone was the sadness he’d seen in them only moments before.

Dean leaned back, unbuttoning Castiel’s pants and sliding them down, taking in another sight he’d never seen before and feeling his stomach tighten as his groin began to throb. He dove back in, their kisses even hungrier than before. They became a mess of tongue and teeth, nipping and sucking at every possible opportunity, Dean used his dream powers to conjure a bottle of lubrication, he simply reached out and there it was.

“Cas.” Dean rasped, breaking away from the other man who looked up at him in confusion, “Are you sure... I...” He hesitated, looking down at his hand, Castiel followed his gaze, smirking again, a look that Dean could grow used to, and he pulled his head down, their lips brushing lightly.

“I’m yours, Dean. I have been... Ever since...” He stopped short, his hand running up Dean’s arm to his shoulder, resting on the now faint scar there. Dean looked at it and then back to Castiel, understanding completely, he went back in, popping the top to the bottle and first slicking up his fingers, moving down to work the angel, his angel, open.

Cas gasped at the small amount of pressure, his fingers working into Dean’s back as he adjusted to make it as comfortable as it could be. As he started to get used to it, Dean worked in another finger, feeling blindly for the sweet spot. When he found it Cas sucked in a breath, gripping harder and Dean’s eyes narrowed, smiling at the sounds his angel was making, it sounded something like: “Ungh-Dean.” The man in question almost laughed at the needy sounds.

“You like that, do you?” Dean asked, leaning in dangerously close to Castiel’s ear, darting his tongue out to flick the lobe. Castiel swiveled his ear against his shoulder, a shiver running through him, “What would you like me to do?” Dean asked, nudging Cas’ head up, so he could get at that ear again. As he bit down Castiel arched, a moan escaping his mouth and he uttered two words he never thought he’d hear himself say.

“Fuck me.” He whispered and Dean sprang back, surprised.

“Say that again.” He demanded, removing his fingers. Castiel whimpered at the loss, but he looked up at Dean, grabbing the mans’ head and pulling his face closer again.

“I said fuck me.” He repeated, furrowing his brows. That was all Dean needed.

“Gladly.” He replied, kissing him hard as he slicked himself up, preparing to enter. He rested Castiel’s leg on his shoulder, deciding to use a technique he’d seen in a film once. He didn’t mean to watch it, he just stumbled upon Casa Erotica for Men one night and gave it a go. He shook off the distracting thought as he looked back down at the disheveled angel beneath him.

He aligned himself and breathed deeply, Castiel relaxed as much as he could as Dean pushed in, their foreheads coming together as Dean hesitated. Cas adjusted and Dean glanced down at the new sight, “You ok?” He asked, glancing back up, Castiel responded with a kiss, sliding his tongue into Dean’s mouth as an incentive to keep going, and he did. Starting slowly he pulled out, thrusting back in with ease and a small moan escaped his mouth this time, the immense pressure a new sensation. He breathed out, sucking in a breath to steady himself as he continued.

Castiel’s fingers began to dig as Dean increased speed and pressure, had the angel any nails, he would have surely left marks, but then, with the pressure he was applying, they’d probably leave them anyway. As they rocked in a rhythm, Castiel began moaning at will, the noises like music to the hunters ears, and he yearned to hear more and started going in harder. His grunts were muffled against Castiel’s neck as he sucked and bit, with every one Cas squeezed him more, coming apart bit by bit. Dean smiled into his neck as he reached his climax, as he felt it approaching, Castiel squeezed his shoulder.

“I think...” Cas breathed, “I think I’m...” He couldn’t finish his thought as Dean thrust in fast, deep and hard, sending Castiel teetering over the edge as he finished, a damp mess filling the space between them. As the muscles tightened around him, Dean felt himself slip into ecstasy. With a few last small thrusts, he slowed, coming to a stop on top of the angel. The two panted in tandem, planting a few small kisses on each others lips as Dean mustered the strength to move from atop him.

“Oops.” Dean laughed as he looked over at Cas, noticing a few small bruises left on the angel’s neck, “Hope those don’t show in the real world.” He continued to laugh, rolling onto his side, his arm draped over Castiel, who held onto the arm, running his hand along it.

“I don’t know, I’ve never done this in a dream...” Cas sighed, “I’m not sure of the effects it’ll have in the waking world.”

“You’ve never done this at all.” Dean corrected, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

“True.” He sighed, turning toward Dean, “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t.” Dean picked up his head, raising his brows at the angel.

“Very nice.” He smiled, “I like the sound of that.” He moved up and placed a soft, light kiss onto his angel’s lips and thought for a moment that angels might actually be the best creatures of all.

“It might have to wait a bit.” Said the angel, and Dean gave him a look, trying to assess the meaning behind that.

“Are you still... Uh, busy?” He asked and Cas huffed, clearly still holding something back, Dean shook his head, “You’re keeping something from me.”

“Dean, I-” Cas turned his head away, but Dean turned it back, keeping his hand on Cas’ cheek.

“No, no it’s ok. You keep on keeping it.” He looked straight into the angel’s eyes, “Eventually you’ll have to come clean. I’ll be there when you do. I’m sure you’ll eventually decide to let me in on what you’re thinking.”

“I think-” Cas took Dean’s hand off of his cheek and kissed his knuckles, smiling slightly, “I think you have to wake up soon.” Castiel said, his eyes turning to face forward.

“Yeah?” Dean turned his head and when he turned back, the bed beside him was empty, Castiel had gone, Dean snorted,“Damn angels.”

“Dean!” He heard shouting and sat up, the room around the bed gone, he was in the middle of the field again. Suddenly he was opening his eyes, sitting up with a start, realizing he was damp.

“What the hell!” He shouted, wiping his face.

“Finally, you wouldn’t wake up. Kept muttering and nuzzling into your pillow.” Sam said, a bucket in his hands.

“So you douse me with water! Come on man!” He removed the blanket, throwing his legs over the side of the couch.

“We’ve gotta go, finally found the place for the dispatcher guy, gotta get goin!” He shouted, turning his back and setting the bucket down on the kitchen table. Dean rubbed his face again, peeling his shirt off as he stood up, “Dude, what is that?” Sam asked suddenly as he walked back in the room.

“What?” Dean asked, turning.

“Your back.” He said, walking to his brother and touching the red lines on his back, “Are those burns?” He asked and he poked one Dean winced, hissing.

“Ow! Fu-! Man!” He stuttered, hopping away from Sam, “Would you be careful?”

“Did you have a dream that you had sex with that devil stripper again? Maybe this time she burned your back? _You_ should be careful.” Sam warned, smiling as he shook his head and walked away.

“Yeah... Devil stripper...” Dean muttered pulling fresh clothes out of his bag as he went to ready himself for the day.

When they arrived at the house, it was empty and they were ambushed by demons. When Castiel came to save them, Dean was thankful.

“It is good to see you, Cas.” Dean said, smiling at the angel. Sam furrowed his brow as he looked at Castiel, noticing the small purple bruise peeking out of his shirt. He was about to say something when Castiel spoke, and what he said just about broke his heart. Superman going to the dark side, coming from a man that didn’t understand any pop culture references at all.

Sam ignored the shattered look on his brothers face as they devised a plan to trap the angel in holy fire, he also ignored the lingering look as they ran out of the house as the demon’s approached. He didn’t say anything as they climbed into the car and Dean tried to hide the few tears that slipped down his face. He didn’t say a word as Dean went straight to bed. He and Bobby went to their own rooms as well. He wouldn't say a word, not until Dean needed him to. 

* * *

 

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel said, waking Dean up from his not so deep sleep.

“Cas.” Dean rasped, sitting up, “How’d you get in here? Is this another dream?” He stood, ready to run if he had to, but also ready to fight, and ready for a few other things that we wasn’t necessarily proud of.

“No, I’m really here. Some of Bobby’s angel proofing is wrong.” Castiel didn’t step closer to Dean, but he didn’t retreat either.

“Well it’s your fault we had to put it up in the first place... Why are you here?” Dean hugged his arms to himself, completely disliking the feeling he was getting from Castiel’s presence.

“I want you to understand-”

“U-understand what, exactly, Cas?” Dean scoffed, “That you betrayed us, that you’ve been betraying us, been betraying me, for months? And all of this because of Raphael?”

“I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you.” Dean blanched for a moment and almost wanted to pull the angel towards him and tell him all was forgiven, but he knew they were past that.

“Because of me...” He said instead, laughing slightly, “Yeah, you’ve got to be kidding me. We, I- You let me...” He couldn’t finish his sentence, the bile rising in his throat made sure of that. And for the moment Castiel looked extremely guilty.

“Look, you’re the one who taught me freedom and free will-”

“You’re a freakin child, you know that? Just because you can do whatever you want, doesn’t mean you get to do what you want!” His voice was nearing a shout, and they both knew exactly what he was talking about, for that split second they weren’t talking about opening purgatory. Castiel quieted for a few moments, as if absorbing this, and when he spoke again, they were back on the main topic.

“I know what I’m doing, Dean.”

“I’m not gonna logic you, okay? I’m saying don’t, just cause... I’m asking you not to... That’s it.” He knew he was pleading and he hoped it would be enough, he hoped that Castiel could see, nay, could _feel_ what he meant.

“I don’t understand.” Was the angel’s reply, though Dean saw a flicker of something in his eyes that told him he understood on a certain level.

“No? Try to understand... I trusted you...” He sighed, “You have to understand that next to Sam and Bobby... You’re all I’ve got. You’re more than family...” He choked back the words he wanted to say, knowing now was not the time for confessions and Castiel let his eyes drop. They stood in silence. They let their eyes declare the words unsaid and made spoken promises to take each other down instead, apologizing for things that had not yet come to pass. And then he was gone, and Dean felt himself collapse as he realized he had to take down the first, and probably only, man he’d ever loved.


	3. Nicotine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be putting up chapters pretty quickly, I've been sitting on this stuff for quite some time!!!

“I didn’t ask for your help.” Dean grabbed at his throat as he stared up at the angel who’d just saved him, hate running through his veins alongside another emotion he wished was not there.

“Well regardless, you’re welcome.” Castiel said, the guilt in his eyes was unbearable.

“Why are you here?” Dean demanded, needing him to be gone so he didn’t have to look at him. Having a taste of him in his dreams was more than enough to start an addiction. He was beginning to crave the angel in ways that he hadn’t known were possible. Even with the imminent danger and the fact that Crowley had kidnapped Ben and Lisa, he still was fighting the urge to push Castiel against the van and have his way with them. He shook the thought from his mind, swallowing thickly, he pushed past Castiel, who reached out and stopped him.

“I had no idea Crowley would take Lisa and Ben.” His eyes met Dean’s and the spot on his wrist where the angel held him felt as though it were on fire, he shook it off.

“Yeah right.” The animosity in his voice held more than the anger he felt about Lisa and Ben. He wasn’t proud to admit that the moment he’d hung up with Crowley the thought crossed through his mind that Castiel might have suggested that he take them. Remove any potential threat the angel may have felt when it came to Dean’s affections.

“You don’t believe me?” The hurt behind Castiel’s eyes made Dean think for a split second that he’d just heard all of Dean’s thoughts.

“I don’t believe a word that’s coming out of your mouth.” He still stood not but a few inches from the angel, his arm hanging limply at his side from where he pulled it out of Cas’ grasp. He wanted to retreat, but at the same time, he wanted to stay where he was.

“I thought you said- that you felt-” He sighed, his eyes dropping, “I thought you knew that I feel that way too... Shouldn’t the trust go both ways?” He raised his eyes again, meeting Dean’s and his heart began to pound; had Castiel just admitted that he felt the same way about Dean? He shook it off, now was not the time to be getting worked up.

“Cas, I just can’t.” His voice broke as he finally backed away, leaning against the vehicle. He soon felt a hand on his left shoulder, the hand he’d felt there so many times before.

“Dean...” He said, his voice closer than it should have been, Dean looked at the angel whose eyes were filled with worry and something more, something deeper that Dean didn’t want to see, “I do everything you ask. I always come when you call, and I’m your... Friend... Still, despite your lack of faith in me, and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again... Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing.”

“Trust your plan to pop purgatory?” Dean asked, though the close proximity of the angel made him think he had other questions he wanted to ask. Cas shrugged and half smiled, getting too dangerously close.

“Maybe two things...” He looked up at Dean, his tongue darted out to wet his lips and Dean felt a flicker of fire in a place he shouldn’t, “I think I’ve earned that, Dean.” He scoffed and looked down at the angel’s lips, which, though they’d just been wetted, were still as chapped as ever. Yet he longed to taste them in reality, outside of the dreamscape, just once more. Cas followed the path of his eyes and when they raised back up to meet his own, he seemed to understand as well. They craved one another, it was as if it was worse than any other addiction Dean had ever experienced.

He didn’t say another word, he just moved, in and around, he pressed his lips against Castiel’s and turned him so that the angel was pinned between him and the van. This was not a sweet, romantic rendezvous from his dreams, this was more, it was primal and vicious, they were angry at one another and at themselves for needing each other so badly. He broke the kiss and looked at his target, his pupils blown wide with a lust he’d only just discovered, his hands pinned up above his head; if angels needed to breath or not, Dean didn’t know, but Cas sure was panting.

For the moment he forgot about purgatory, and he forgot about Castiel’s alliance with the god damn king of hell. In fact, he’d forgotten where they were, and the fact that his brother wasn’t that far away; all he knew was he needed to feel Cas, needed him pressed against him, so he pushed forward and maneuvered his thigh between Cas’ and pushed up, the rogue angel gasped and Dean let his hands fall so he could touch him the way he’s wanted to for so long.

He moved slowly at first, running his hands beneath the tan jacket, feeling down his sides. Cas jerked a bit and Dean smiled, marking that for later, much, much later. Cas was ticklish. He moved forward and Cas perked up, thinking Dean was going in for a kiss, but he instead went for that neck, which was still slightly bruised from their dream encounter and Dean’s groin twitched from the thought that he did that to the angel, those were from him, he marked him as his own. The same way Cas had done to him so many years before. If only they were permanent, as his handprint was.

Cas shuttered beneath Dean’s hold on him as his fingertips brushed over the hard ridges that had appeared moments before. His breath hot on Dean’s ear as the hunter continued to bite into his skin, Dean felt himself growing to match the angel. He popped the button on Castiel’s pants, wasting no time in finding his goal; he didn’t expect Cas to match his movements however and gasped in surprise as he felt rough fingers digging into his freshly open jeans.

They both groaned as the friction grew, their tugging becoming more desperate. Dean bit at Castiel’s ear, their heads knocked together briefly as the angel turned his face towards the hunter, their eyes meeting in a frenzy of desire and loathing that they were both keen to ignore. Their lips met, and their eyes closed so Dean didn’t have to continue looking at him; he instead reveled in the feel of Castiel’s hand on him, and the feel of the angel in his own hand. Their foreheads met, their breathing labored, Cas opened his eyes to see Dean’s face twisted into a mix of pleasure and something else, guilt he supposed, but he came first anyway. He poured, hot and slick into Dean’s hand, but kept his rhythm on Dean, the hunter grabbed Cas’ shoulders to hold himself up as he buried his face into the tan fabric of Castiel’s jacket. A throaty moan escaped his mouth as he finished, the angel slowed his hand until it was complete, the pulsing stopped.

Dean turned his face into the angels neck and kissed lightly, a symbol of something that they were both too stubborn to say and then Dean was leaning up against the van alone. His hands splayed out against the black metal, still covered in the seed of an angel. He stood there until his breathing slowed down and he could figure out what to do next. He tucked himself back inside and zipped up his jeans, wiping his hand on a rag inside his bag. He looked around him at the broken devil’s trap and the dead demon and sighed; he could still feel Cas’ hand around him and somehow longed to have it back, even though he didn’t want it at all. He mentally kicked himself for giving in, but knew it was no good, there was nothing he could do.

* * *

 

He did his best not to think about the angel again until he found Ben and Lisa and was sitting in the hospital room, a comatose Lisa next to him and an angry teenager that had just turned his back and stormed away. The trench coated angel turned up then, his eyes full of emotion.

“What do you want?” Dean asked, feeling the urge to cry even more.

“Dean, listen-” Castiel said but Dean didn’t want to hear it, he couldn’t listen to the angel talk, it might turn into another regrettable situation.

“What do you want me to say?” He asked, looking to Lisa, “She’ll be dead by midnight.” His voice was weak and his eyes were burning, “Are you happy?” It was little more than a whisper, but Cas heard it, and understood the meaning.

“No.” Castiel growled, “I’m sorry.” Their eyes met, the spark that sent his stomach turning made him even angrier.

“I don’t care.” He pushed, “It’s too little, too late.” He felt as if his lungs were collapsing, but continued to stare at the angel.

“Okay...” Cas seemed to accept something, “Well, regardless, I didn’t come for you.” He began walking past the hunter to where Lisa was.

“Meaning?” Dean asked, there was more than a little anger in his voice, and a little bit of disappointment. Perhaps, he thought, Castiel felt badly about Lisa and knew that the hunter would need consoling. Dean mentally reprimanded himself for wanting to be consoled by the person who was responsible for him needing consoling in the first place.

He watched as Castiel walked up to Lisa and touched his fingers to her forehead and then hated Castiel even more for doing the right thing, “She’s fine now. She’ll wake soon.” He turned back to Dean, his eyes full of genuine sorrow, “Dean, I said I’m sorry and I meant it.”

“Thank you.” Dean said, and he meant it, he breathed deeply, unsure of what he was about to say next, wishing he had a chance to think it through, “I wish this changed anything.”

“I know. So do I. All else aside, I just wanted to fix what I could.” He knew then that they weren’t discussing Lisa or Ben. He was discussing them, what had happened between them, what could never happen again. Not as long as Castiel was working with Crowley. The angel began to walk away and Dean grabbed hold of his arm, the angel looked up, hopefully, but let his eyes drop again when he didn’t see what he wanted on Dean’s face. He’d hoped to see admiration, understanding even. But he found a struggle.

“There’s one more thing you could do for me.” He said, and Castiel nodded, Dean took that to mean anything, and he knew the angel was being truthful, “I need you to erase their memories.”

“Dean-” Cas said, his brow creased.

“Just erase me, erase what happened. Let Ben think that they were in an accident. I’ll fill it in for them, make sure they don’t remember me at all. I couldn’t take them knowing, what we were.” Dean was still holding onto Castiel’s arm, he was gripping it tight, as if it pained him to say this.

“Of course.” Cas replied, placing a hand over Dean’s and applying pressure for a moment, the consoling Dean was searching for. He walked up to Lisa and touched his fingers to her head again and after a moment turned to Dean, “It’s done.”

They went and found Ben, who was standing in a corner, kicking at the wall.

“Ben?” Dean asked and he turned his head slightly.

“Go away.” Ben said, turning back to the wall.

“Ben, someone needs to talk to you.” Dean lied and the kid turned in time for Castiel to reach out and extract all knowledge of Dean and being held by demons. But he didn’t remove the knowledge that such beings existed. He didn’t want to leave them defenseless, he knew Dean wouldn’t like that. What Dean didn’t know was that as he pulled these memories from their heads, he could see them all. All the happiness and smiles from the year that Dean was being ‘normal.’ But he could also feel the longing Ben harbored for Dean, hoping that he’d fully commit to being a family, feeling that he always had one foot out the door.

From Lisa he got the feeling that she didn’t think Dean really loved her. That he was always thinking of someone else, missing someone else. She attributed it to him losing Sam, at least that’s what she told herself. The angel felt a prick of hope for a moment that who Dean was really holding onto was him. He couldn’t fully love Lisa because he was already committed to an angel.

Ben collapsed and Dean caught him, they carried him back into the room and set him down in a chair beside his mother. Castiel squeezed Dean’s shoulder one last time before turning away from the hunter. When he looked back, the angel was gone and Dean watched as Ben began to stir. Not long after, Lisa did as well.

He left that day knowing the good Castiel had done, but unfortunately dwelling on all the bad. He wished he could make the angel see, but it was obvious there would be no changing his mind. They’d just have to stop him.


	4. Casual Affair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title chapter!!

Castiel showed up behind Crowley and the demon jumped, almost knocking over the blood he’d managed to carefully extract from a virgin a few hours earlier.

“You should really warn a demon before you come flapping in!” Crowley shouted, fixing the things on the table he’d messed up.

“I’d apologize, but I don’t care.” Castiel said, going to sit down in a chair across the room.

“My, my, someone’s testy today. What’s the matter? Your hunter pets got you down?” Castiel didn’t have the patience to deal with Crowley’s prying or invasive manner. But he also didn’t have the strength to fight back.

“Something like that.” He sighed, rubbing at his face.

“What happened, you wanna tell mama Crowley all about it?” Crowley asked, though Castiel could hear the insincerity in his voice.

“I had to break down the wall in Sam Winchester’s mind.” Castiel’s description was vague and he doubted that Crowley understood, but the demon just raised his brows and looked smug.

“So, I’m not allowed to touch them, but you’re allowed to let all hell literally break loose inside of Moose’s head?” Crowley nodded to himself, “Good to know.”

“I had no choice. We’re close to achieving our goal, I can’t have the Winchesters trying to stop us now.”

“And what about the handsome one, Dean? You don’t think he’ll be searching harder for you now that you broke his brother?” Crowley stared hard at the angel, it made him uncomfortable, he turned his face away from the King of Hell.

“I have... Ways... Of Dealing with Dean.” Castiel said, his vague explanation hopefully enough for the demon to lay off. Crowley stared hard at the angel, his eyes searching for meaning.

“Oh.” Crowley said in a simple reply, but then his eyes found the small bruises on the angel’s neck and he understood immediately, “Oh...” Crowley’s knowing tone caused Castiel to face him.

“What?” He asked.

“Nothing, just... Oh.” Crowley looked smug as he walked away and began pouring one glass of blood into a larger jar with blood already in it.

“No, what have you discovered?” Castiel asked, unaware that he’d been sussed by the King of all things indecent and immoral.

“Please, darling, I’m the bloody King of Hell, I’ve seen it all. I’ve done it all. You’ve been shagging that Winchester bloke.” Crowley smiled slightly as he raised the jar up to eye level, “That’s why there was a hand’s off policy, that’s why he hasn’t really come after us yet. You’ve been keeping him at bay with...” Crowley’s eyes dropped as his brows raised, “Well I get the picture.”

“No.” Castiel shook his head in a weak denial.

“Sure.” Crowley winked and turned, leaving the room with the jar of blood, “Be back in a jif with the finished product.”

Castiel sighed and sat down, dozens of thoughts were running through his mind at once. Then he realized that Crowley needed to be dealt with, he needed to go. Perhaps he could redeem himself to Dean once all was said and done if he double crossed Crowley and didn’t give him any of the souls. Surely Dean would be so happy about him thwarting the demon bastard that he would forgive him for teaming up with him in the first place.

Idiotic. Castiel thought for a brief moment, but he was already decided, his affair with Crowley had been brief and casual, no need to continue on with things. He was done with him, his needs had been met, his purpose served. He didn’t need him anymore.

His decision to double cross Crowley was an easy one to make as the King of Hell was a vile creature with whom he should have never done business with. But his decision to kill Balthazar, that one was not as simple. But he’d been feeding the Winchesters information, he couldn’t have Dean find him now, he might be able to change his mind. He would have to do the spell without anyone there. It was the only way he’d be able to do it; if Dean looked at him with any sort of regret or sorrow, he might call the whole thing off and he’d still have Raphael after him with the added bonus of Crowley.

Castiel never expected Crowley to team up with Raphael, well almost never. Once he really thought about it, it made sense. But it allowed him to leave and do the ritual himself, away from Dean and the danger of aborting his mission for the sake of the man. When he got the souls and he felt them coursing through him, it was like a drug; a really dangerous and squirmy drug. It was effecting his mind, it was as though he couldn’t see clearly. He felt his mission like a knife in the chest, it was all he could concentrate on. Nothing else, not even Dean could distract him once they possessed him. He was God.

And he was merciful. The devotion he felt for Dean was there, perhaps if he hadn’t felt it, they’d have perished at his hands. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it, even when Sam stabbed him quite literally in the back. If he killed Sam, Dean would never forgive him, and even as God he couldn’t accept that.

They began to kneel and he saw the fear in Dean’s eyes, the hopelessness had almost taken over, though there was still something. Something that he supposed was Dean’s love for him, it was something he used to recognize. But it wasn’t something that registered with him any longer; human emotion was no longer needed, he was above it. Though there was a feeling akin to desire within him for the hunter, he could’t deny that. He’d see to it later.

“Cas, come on, this isn’t you.” Dean pleaded with him, it amused him in a way.

“The Castiel you knew is gone.” He was looking only at Dean and the understanding registered on his face, he’d gotten his message across. He left without killing any of them, he told them it was because they weren’t a threat to him, but he knew it wasn’t true. Though they could not know that he still harbored some sense of affection for the hunters.

He didn’t see Dean again until a few nights later, after he’d been around the country spreading his word. He wasn’t sure what drew him there, just that he needed to see Dean, felt like talking to him. He felt weaker than he should have, it felt as if something was moving inside of him, something was trying to get out. Dean would understand his troubles, Dean always understood his troubles.

“Hello Dean.” He appeared behind the hunter who was working on his car, he jumped slightly and turned, wrench in hand, his eyes were wide.

“Cas...” He said hesitantly, “Wh-what are you doing here?” There was fear mixed with something like dread, but there was also a slight relaxation in his shoulders.

“I’ve been busy the last few days.”

“I know, I saw. You’re all over the news.” Dean half smiled and stared down at the tool in his hands, when he looked back up his eyes were slightly glistening, “Any particular reason for stopping by tonight? Or have you decided to kill me?”

“I-” Castiel stopped talking for a moment to assess Dean’s meaning. He was afraid, more afraid than he’d previously thought, “No. I can’t kill you Dean.”

“Can’t or won’t?” Dean’s narrowed eyes seemed to make whatever he felt inside him squirm more.

“A bit of both.” He half smiled for the first time since he’d absorbed the souls, it served to make Dean look even more uncomfortable.

“Why?” His smile was gone, it made Castiel drop his as well.

“I harbor a certain... Nostalgia... For you.” Cas let his eyes drop, his brow furrowed and when he looked back up at Dean, there was a small gleam in his eye.

“Almost looked like the same old Cas for a second.” Dean sighed and turned, setting the tool down on a rag on the front seat of the Impala. All the windows were missing and the roof looked like it needed some repair, but the seats were still in tact, that's what Cas cared about. Castiel stepped forward and Dean turned back around, his brows raising when he saw that the angel had stepped into his personal bubble.

“Is this the part where you tell me to respect your personal space?” Castiel asked, Dean smiled slightly.

“I haven’t been concerned with my personal space around you in a while, Cas.” The angel could feel the affection radiating off of the hunter and it quieted the voices in his head for the time being.

“Something Crowley said to me the other day confused me.” Castiel said, causing Dean’s brows to raise more, he was sure he’d intrigued the hunter, “He called me... The bottom in my relationship with him.” His brows were still furrowed when Dean began laughing, they knit together even more if it were at all possible for them to do so. It made his face hurt, he wasn’t sure why.

“Did he now?” Dean asked, stretching a hand out, his thumb running over the deep creases in Castiel’s brow, he shivered at the touch.

“What did he mean?” Castiel asked, he didn’t like not knowing things, the feeling had grown since he became more powerful. He felt there wasn’t much he shouldn’t understand.

“He just meant he was the dominant one.” Dean ran his hand down Castiel’s face and to his arms, his hands slipped beneath the stained fabric of Cas’ trench coat until they landed on his hips and he pulled him forward, Castiel found that he didn’t like being handled as such. He was the more sentient being, shouldn’t it be him who pulled Dean in like that?

“Am I the bottom in our relationship?” He asked, Dean held back a laugh and blinked a few times.

“You were.” Dean said, sucking in an uneasy breath, “But I can see now that maybe things have changed.” His eyes fell to Castiel’s lips and Cas smirked.

“You’re right, Dean.” He said, pushing against Dean until he was pressed into the shell of the Impala, “Things have changed.” He leaned forward and began grazing his lips down Dean’s throat, biting along his collar bone. Dean shuttered and grabbed at Cas’ shoulders, but Castiel pushed his hands off of him and held them back, pinned against the car. Dean looked into his eyes, pupils blown wide, but also wide with some emotion that Castiel couldn’t register. Perhaps it was fear; the thought that Dean was frightened of him only fueled the fire growing within him and he began to yearn for more.

In a split second they went from standing to lying down in the back of the Impala on the seat.

“Cas?” Dean exclaimed, looking around at his sudden change in scenery.

“I figured this might be more comfortable lying down.” Castiel said smirking down at the man beneath him. Dean shifted uncomfortably, not used to being handled as such. Castiel however ground down against him, sending all thought from his mind. All he could think was ‘Castiel.’

In milliseconds the clothes that were between them were all but a memory and there was nothing but skin. Dean looked down, confused, before he realized that he was with an angel- God. He was with a god. This man could do whatever he wanted to him and he wouldn’t be able to object to a thing, though he didn’t want to. He wanted him, he wanted to feel him. And he knew that he would.

Castiel wasted no time, his hand flew down to cup Dean, he felt himself growing beneath the semi-god’s hand. It sent a sensation through him that he hadn’t felt before, he wondered if it was coming through Cas. When Castiel’s fingers slipped back and found their way inside of him, he was surprised at the lack of pinching. There was no lubrication, and yet his fingers were slick. He chalked it up to strange sex-god powers and let it happen. Castiel backed off for a moment and Dean felt himself feeling self-conscious under his scrutiny.

“Turn over.” Castiel commanded and Dean fumbled his way onto his belly, he could feel Cas’ hardness behind him as he leaned forward, placing his lips next to his ear, “I’ve wanted you like this for so long.” He said, Dean shivered and grew even more impossibly hard. He felt Castiel brush against him and waited with bated breath for that first initial push forward.

When it happened, the filling sensation was almost overwhelming, he had to clench to stop himself from finishing right then and there because Cas brushed that sweet spot on the first attempt and all of his senses were overloaded. He heard Castiel groan slightly as he pulled out, Dean still clenched around him, and pushed back in fully. Dean gripped at the seats, remembering the last time he had sex in the Impala and how different it was. Even though it was with an angel.

“Don’t think about that.” Castiel said suddenly, Dean blanched, and turned his head as Castiel pounded into him, a bit harshly, as if it were punishment for thinking of Anna. He leaned forward then, biting at Dean’s back, causing him to arch, all thoughts of redheaded angels were sent fleeing from his mind and all he could see then were blue eyes and stars.

Dean’s release of breath came with sounds he’d never heard himself make and Castiel sped up in response. Cas reached around with one hand to wrap his fingers around Dean as he clasped the other hand onto Dean’s shoulder, onto his mark. A tingling sensation shot through Dean at that moment, it was as if his shoulder were connected to all of his pleasure centers, and he was floating. He was falling. He was coming.

“Cas!” He spat out as he spilled into the angel’s hand, he could feel Cas tense as his finish wasn’t that far behind after that, the rapid clenching around him probably had something to do with it. Dean wondered for a brief moment if the pleasure he felt through the hand print on his shoulder also did something to the angel.

“God.” Castiel corrected aloud, as he ran an oddly clean hand down Dean’s spine as he bent down and kissed along Dean’s shoulder blades.

“Can you hear my thoughts?” Dean asked, rather stupidly, at least that’s how he felt.

“I can.” Castiel said, “Whether it’s a side effect of the mark or because of my gained power, I don’t know.” He breathed on Dean’s neck and a shiver went through the hunter. Castiel was still inside of him, and he found he didn’t mind.

“Have you always been able to?” He asked and Cas leaned back, removing himself from Dean, who gasped at the loss and almost instantly wanted it back.

“I don’t know.” Cas muttered. Dean heard a flap of wings and turned over, finding himself fully clothed and alone.

“Dean!” Sam shouted and Dean sat up, wondering how flustered he looked. Sam walked into the garage, “Were you sleeping?” He asked, laughing slightly at his red faced brother, sitting up from the back seat of the Impala.

“I just laid down for a second.” Dean half smiled and got up, throwing the rag that had somehow appeared in his hands to the side.

“No, it’s fine. Rest whenever you can get it. God knows you need it.” Sam said, but then cleared his throat awkwardly at the ‘God’ remark. He didn’t mean to bring up Castiel, “I think we’ve come up with a plan... A way to stop Cas.”

“Does it involve killing him, cause-”

“No!” Sam said, a bit too quickly for Dean’s liking, “Well... Not us, at least.” Sam then explained his plan to summon Death. Dean didn’t like it, but what other hope did they have? Castiel needed to be stopped, as much as it hurt for him to realize that, he could still feel him, could still feel the tingling in the mark on his shoulder from where Castiel’s hand had been. It never occurred to him that they were connected via that handprint; if only they’d realized that sooner, maybe they wouldn’t be in this mess.

But as Castiel prepared to transfer the souls back into purgatory, Dean couldn’t help but feel a slight flicker of hope. The hope faded the moment the souls were returned and Castiel collapsed onto the ground, but he woke up and Dean pulled him into a hug before helping him up.

“I really am sorry.” Cas sighed as he struggled to stand on wobbling legs, “I’m gonna find some way to redeem myself to you.”

“Alright, well, one thing at a time.” Dean said, his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. Dean’s eyes flickered to Bobby for a brief moment who cleared his throat.

“I should, uh, go find Sam.” He said, awkwardly walking away; Dean wasted no time in pulling Cas into him and cupping his cheek.

“You’re not angry?” Castiel asked, he was certain that the hunter would be.

“I’m pissed.” Dean laughed slightly, “But right now I’m mostly relieved that you’re alive.” He said before kissing him lightly. Castiel allowed his eyes to close and wanted to let himself relax into the kiss, but he soon felt a pressure building from within, and it wasn’t a good kind of pressure, or an easy one to alleviate. He knew what was happening.

“Dean- You need to run now! I can’t hold them back!” Cas doubled over in pain, effectively breaking the hold Dean had on him.

“Hold who back?” Dean reached out for Castiel, but he backed up, still in pain.

“They held on inside me. Dean!” He said, the pain on his face was almost unbearable to Dean, “They’re so strong!”

“Who the hell-”

“Leviathan!” Castiel shouted, the word circled through Dean’s head a few dozen times, “I can’t fight them, run!”

“Bobby! Sam!” Dean shouted as loud as he could; he watched in horror as Cas stopped writhing and stood up straight, he was smiling and his veins were filling with black.

“Too late.” He said, the voice was not his usual one, it seemed to be filled with many.

“Cas?” He asked, still holding onto a small ounce of hope that his angel was still in there. He was wrong. They followed him outside as it became clear that his body would not hold all the Leviathan’s from purgatory and he walked into a body of water and disappeared. Dean grabbed the ruined trench coat from the water’s edge and held it against him; he supposed it was the last time he’d ever feel that fabric beneath his fingertips again. The thought broke him in two.


	5. Far Too Young to Die

Days stretched endlessly into weeks and Dean felt disconnected from all of it. For the first time since returning from Hell, he felt truly alone. There was no angel looking out for him anymore, no divine entity for him to send a silent prayer up to. Though he hated to admit it, he spoke to Cas every day. Even when he’d turned into a psycho god.

But now there was nothing and no one, and he hated every second of it. The fact that he was laid up with a broken leg for the first few weeks ruined him even more, he had nothing to do but sit around and think about Castiel; he could only ponder what he could have done differently to save the son of a bitch.

Sam understood his heart ache, he’d lost a person that he loved once, but Dean didn’t realize Sam knew. So he humored his brother when he asked about his hallucinations, because he knew he’d rather talk about Sam’s problems than his own. But Sam wanted to ask Dean about Cas, he needed to, because he needed to stop thinking about Lucifer standing in the corner of every room he walked into.

“So, uh... How are you doing? Since Cas- I mean...” Sam stammered around his question and Dean tensed up, he took a bite of the cake Sam brought him and frowned, cake and pie were not interchangeable.

“I’m fine, Sammy. I’m more concerned about you-”

“I know you are, Dean.” Sam interrupted, he didn’t mean to get snippy, he just was tired of his brother trying to baby him constantly, “But I also know what it feels like... To lose someone that you- Well that you love.” Sam sighed uncomfortably and picked at his food, Dean stabbed his cake a few times before sighing.

“It sucks, Sam. It really does. I mean what do you want me to say?” He turned to look at his brother, his lids heavy, his mouth in a thin line, he clenched his jaw and growled slightly, “Nothing I say will make it better, nothing will bring him back. Nothing will fix what he did, what he brought into this world. He betrayed us, bottom line. There’s nothing that will ever mend that, especially because he went off and got himself killed.” His breath caught in his throat and for a fleeting moment Sam thought he might start to cry, but he sucked it up, quite literally, in the form of sucking in the deepest and longest breath Sam had ever heard and then breathing it out slow and steady.

“Alright.” Sam said, deciding to end the conversation. Dean shot him a look, it wasn’t quite grateful, but it wasn’t quite deadly.

“He was a son of a bitch, but he was our son of a bitch. And now he’s gone. We didn’t-I- didn’t even really get a chance to let him know-” He cut himself off and turned back to the TV, flipping it on and turning it up. The conversation was over, there would be no more said on the matter.

And nothing else was said on the subject, until Sam couldn’t stop the visions, he couldn’t stop Lucifer from breaking in, from making him feel crazy. Perhaps he was crazy, maybe he never left the pit after all. Dean loving a guy? It was crazy.

Lucifer stated as much.

“Come on, Sam... Get real. Do you think that if you were out of the pit, that Dean would be brooding over the loss of some angel? You think he cared for my brother? No. He didn’t. He’s not into dudes. You know that, I know that. So clearly, you’re creating this story to give your brother something to hold onto because you’re still in here, with me.” Lucifer smiled and sat on the edge of Sam’s hospital bed. He rested a hand atop Sam’s, “You feel that? That’s real. This is real.” Then he vanished as some doctors piled into the room to run some tests and try to get him to sleep. It didn’t work.

Dean would do anything to save Sam, had done anything to save Sam; clearly that’s why he went to Hell in the first place. It’s the reason he met Castiel. If he wasn’t constantly fighting to keep Sam alive, then he would have never met the angel, would have never destroyed the balance of Heaven, and he would still be alive.

Dean nearly punched the steering wheel as these thoughts popped into his head. He couldn’t stop blaming himself for what Cas did; though he knew it wasn’t his fault, but blame had to be placed somewhere, and it felt wrong to place it on the deceased. So he was driving to some miracle worker in Colorado who could hopefully help Sam. He didn’t expect it to be real, to find someone who could actually save his brother. But he was willing to try anything once.

He didn’t expect to turn around and see Castiel staring up at him, with absolutely no idea who he was.

Dean experienced a rush of several emotions so severe he nearly collapsed onto that porch next to the demons he’d just dispatched. But he didn’t, he stayed standing despite wave after wave of relief, fear, anger and hurt that washed over him. Then they went inside to talk to ‘Emmanuel’s’ wife and he felt rush of another feeling. Jealousy. He’d been grieving for Cas for months and now he finds him shacked up with some chick who found him wandering around, without a clue to who he was.

He should have looked for him, should have believed that the angel couldn’t have been killed so easily. But Leviathan’s were new and he had no idea what they were capable of. Perhaps they were able to kill angels. Maybe he did die and God brought him back again.

He must be God’s favorite son.

Dean smirked at the thought and then they were in the car, on the way to Sam. Him and Cas, alone, just like old times. Yet it wasn’t, because he couldn’t reach across and take his hand like he wanted to, like he was resisting the urge to do. More than anything he wanted to reach his hand into Cas’ pants and feel him again.

Dean shook off that thought. Him and Cas couldn’t be what they were, it could never happen again.

They ran into Meg and Dean felt a renewed wave of jealousy; the demon could openly flirt with Castiel, but he couldn’t. She kept smirking at Dean like she knew and was doing it on purpose, probably was. Bitch.

Cas had to smite the demons, it was their only way into the institution. They had to get in to save Sam, and there were too many obstacles in their path. So as he blew through the black eyed lot, he began to remember; he remembered meeting Dean, helping Dean, kissing Dean, being beneath Dean in a dream, the feel of Dean’s hand around him, his breath hot and humid on his neck. The sound of his name rolling off of Dean’s tongue, whether in the throes of passion or in just a regular situation. Cas, Castiel, he was Cas. And there wasn’t anyone he would rather be.

He wanted to walk right up to Dean and pull him into him, kiss him, tell him he was sorry; he wanted to apologize until his throat was raw and he couldn’t speak anymore. But he knew it would do no good. Dean could never forgive him. He’d driven his brother into an institution; he was hallucinating, seeing Lucifer, it couldn’t be pleasant.

He had to escape, he couldn’t stay, he couldn’t take the betrayal and hurt behind Dean’s eyes. There was no love there, not anymore.

Or perhaps he was mistaken; Dean held his trench coat out to him and he took it into his hands. The fabric felt familiar to his fingertips and he pinched at it, looking up at Dean; there was a brief flash of some familiar sense of pride, of loyalty. Of love. He would take it, he’d take whatever affection he could get.

Dean glanced back over his shoulder to where Meg was facing the hospital, rifling through a dead demon’s pockets and then turned back to Cas. It was brief and quick, he pulled him close and rested his forehead against the angel’s, he smiled for a moment.

“Never thought I’d do this again.” Dean croaked, trying his best not to burst into tears like some child and he lifted his head and moved in, kissing those chapped lips softly. He’d only dreamed about them for some time, and it was nice to be able to feel them again, refreshing.

“I know what you mean.” Castiel said, “Like a breath of fresh air.” He sighed.

“Are you reading my thoughts again?” Dean asked, stepping back from the angel apprehensively.

“I’m sorry, the moment we touch, it happens, I’m let in. I’ll have to learn how to control that.” He half smiled and stepped back to give himself some room, throwing the jacket on around himself. He almost looked like his old self again, despite the fact that the jacket was ruined and he didn’t have suit on underneath. Dean shrugged, he’d take what he could get.

“You will.” Dean smiled and they went down to meet Meg and proceeded into the hospital where they saved Sam from being electro-shock-therapy’d to death.

Dean didn’t know the meaning of bittersweet until he watched the man that he loved (yeah, he still did, so much) trade places with his brother. He transferred whatever crazy Sam had inside of him into his own head and then wouldn’t respond. He became catatonic, basically. Angels don’t need to sleep, so he just sat there.

Meg stayed behind to keep an eye on him, and it pissed Dean off exponentially. He wished he could just sit around and wait for Castiel to wake up from whatever kind of state he was in. He wasn’t sure if Cas would talk to Meg, he wasn’t even sure what her intentions were. He only knew that he didn’t like it.

They worked and his thoughts never strayed too far from Cas, sitting in that room, his mind who knows where. So he prayed to him nightly, in the hopes that he could hear him, he hoped his words would help sooth his mind.

Castiel did hear Dean’s prayers, but they came to him mostly through the lips of his brother.

“Poor Dean-o, calling out for you.” Lucifer said to Castiel, the hallucination was more intense than usual, but then, they tended to get that way whenever Dean was praying to him, it must have been a side effect from Sam, “Doesn’t he know you’re not all there anymore?” The hallucination ran a hand through Cas’ head. Cas hardly flinched.

_Cas if you can hear me, just hold on. I’m sure we’ll find a way to free you soon enough. I won’t stop fighting for you. Remember that._ Dean’s voice echoed through Castiel’s mind and he closed his eyes, Lucifer disappeared for the time being and he smiled, resting back onto the bed.

“Someone’s feeling better tonight.” Meg sauntered into the room and Castiel opened one eye before closing it and ignoring her, “Alright Clarence, just thought you might be up for a chat. I guess I guessed wrong.” She sighed and left the room, Castiel was grateful.

It began storming outside not too long after that, and his mind was suddenly free from any barriers blocking it, his brother was no longer a constant presence and he could feel everything. If he’d had a wall up, blocking the world from getting in, it was gone. He could see all, and it was beautiful.

Dean didn’t like crazy Cas. He felt inferior, or forgotten. He felt less than. It wasn’t a feeling that suited the hunter well. Meg was the hero of crazy Castiel, she was the one who sat by his bedside and waited for him to get better; at least that’s how Dean thought Castiel saw it. He didn’t like being jealous, but it wasn’t something he could help.

Especially when Meg referred to the insane angel as ‘his boyfriend first’ that didn’t help one bit. On one hand, Dean thought she was right, yeah, Cas had been his first. But on the other hand, he’d never done anything even remotely close to claiming the angel as his own. Cas had been his in his dreams, and then for a few fleeting moments in their normal day to day lives. But those moments were brief and hardly binding.

Castiel had always been free to do as he pleased, and he did. In his lucid moments he relied on Meg, not Dean, and it damn near broke the hunters heart.

But then there were moment, when they’d look at one another and Castiel’s eyes would narrow in a way that made Dean forget the past year had happened; he saw the Cas from his dream, the one who wanted to please him, who wanted to be pleased by him. The one who loved him. Or at least who he believed loved him. Neither of them had ever said it aloud, they were too stubborn for that.

In one moment of weakness, Dean prayed to him, hoping that he’d come and he’d be himself again. Castiel showed up, but not like he wanted him to, well not exactly the way he wanted him to.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas said, Dean turned around to face the angel and found him covered in bees; there didn’t seem to be any clothing on his body.

“Cas! What the hell, man!” Dean jerked back, unsure of what to do, not wanting the bees to attack him or something, who knew what bees were capable of in that quantity.

“You called, I came. Isn’t this what you wanted?” He asked, his head tilted, bees flying around his noggin.

“Yes-but, no! I didn’t want the bees, man. What are you doing?” Dean didn’t mean to get angry, but he was frustrated in more ways than one.

“I was spending time at a bee sanctuary when you called, decided to drop by. I knew you wouldn’t mind the lack of clothing.” He shrugged, Dean sighed deeply. Even in his slightly lunatic state, Castiel knew that Dean still wanted him. Dean stared, not saying anything else until Cas sighed and suddenly the bees were gone and Cas was simply naked.

“I’m sorry I disturbed you, I just-” Cas was in front of Dean in an instant, the sudden closeness surprised the hunter.

“You were aching, for me.” Cas said as he began to walk in a circle around Dean, “I can feel it.”

“You can what?” Dean asked, turning his head to follow the nude angel’s movements.

“Feel it.” Cas said, his mouth dangerously close to Dean’s ear as he leaned in from behind him, “It’s like this throbbing in my chest.” Castiel’s fingers danced up Dean’s arms until they found his shoulder, from there he slid his hand down to his chest and placed it in the center, he tapped it twice, “It’s coming from a much different place on you, though.” The hand that had made its home on Dean’s chest suddenly slipped down below the belt and Castiel was cupping him; he felt himself begin to grow in reaction, though he wished he hadn’t. Cas wasn’t in his right mind.

He wasn’t in his right mind for calling him.

“Cas-” Dean bit out, “Stop.”

“Why?” He asked, “I can give you what you want.” Dean could feel Cas’ fingers begin to move to the button of his jeans but his hand flew down of its own accord and grasped the angel’s wrist. He pulled it back and turned to face the still naked divinity.

“Just- don’t.” Dean sighed, taking a step back, though he still had Castiel’s wrist in his hand, it felt good to touch him, even in such a chaste way.

“This is what you wanted.” Castiel seemed confused and for a few magical moments Dean could see his normal self peeking through, it was almost enough to make Dean pull him into him, but then he snapped out of it, “I’ll go back to the bees then.” He sighed, “I’m collecting honey.”

And he was gone, Dean’s hand was still in the shape of his wrist and he felt cold. He was just as alone as he felt before he called Cas, and almost wanted to call him again on the off chance that he might come back, but no. He couldn’t. Instead, he went to find Sam.

* * *

 

Castiel landed on the couch, he didn’t mean to show up at such an ungodly hour, it just happened. Even in his state of mind, he knew when he was intruding. Sam was nowhere to be seen, but Dean was asleep on the couch. He glanced over at the eldest Winchester and smiled slightly. Dean looked so peaceful while sleeping; like all the troubles of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. Cas often wished that he could relieve Dean of his burdens, he felt that he deserved at least that much. To accept the enormous amount of pressure the Winchester put onto himself.

He suddenly felt a surge of something go through him, he wasn’t sure what it was; perhaps it was regret, or loss. He felt something missing in the middle of him as he looked at Dean. He remembered everything, touching him, kissing him, the way he felt beneath his hands.

He could remember the taste of Dean, the softness of his lips mixed with that semi-sweet tang of pie that always seemed to linger, even if he hadn’t eaten it in days. He shifted slightly and could practically feel Dean inside of him; he could remember every touch and every movement, every breath and every sigh. It began to renew the hunger he felt for the hunter, and that was not a good thing. He shouldn’t be lusting after the person he hurt the worst, he should be seeking his forgiveness, should be begging for it.

Perhaps Dean would like it if he begged... That wasn’t a good thought, Castiel mentally reprimanded himself for it and shoved it aside, though it wasn’t easy. He almost jumped off the couch and woke up Dean on the off chance that the hunter might be feeling up to it; but he wouldn’t, he would never ever again. That ripped a hole right through the angel when he realized that Dean would never trust him enough to allow himself to get close to him like that again.

It would never happen again. Castiel was sure of it, and even though he hated the thought, he’d have to accept it.

“What are you doin, idjit?” Castiel looked forward to find Bobby, err the spirit of Bobby, standing before him, right next to the table where his flask was.

“Sitting.” Castiel shrugged and then looked back to Dean.

“He don’t hate you.” Bobby sighed, “You might think he does, but he doesn’t. He can’t.”

“How do you-” Castiel narrowed his eyes at the ghost in front of him, Bobby shrugged and wrapped his arms around himself.

“I pick up on a few more things now than I did before. I can just tell.” He suddenly shifted to the side like he was startled by something and without another word, Bobby disappeared, leaving Castiel behind to ponder his words.

Cas looked back down at Dean and half smiled, Dean didn’t hate him, at least it was something. Something that he could hold onto. It was really all he had.

I’d rather have you, cursed or not. Those words flitted around in Castiel’s mind, helping him regain his focus and sense of mission, of purpose. Whatever he was going to do from now on was for Dean, to help Dean, to regain the hunter’s trust. Sure he didn’t hate him, but he didn’t exactly want him around all the time. But he’d rather have him. That was enough for the angel, for now.

Then they found themselves in purgatory, and everything changed.


	6. Interlude: Trade Mistakes

It wasn’t often that they found themselves with downtime in Purgatory. They were usually too busy running for their lives since Benny led Dean to Cas. His excuse was that he was protecting the hunter, but Dean knew that was bull, he just didn’t want to be with him. The Winchester wasn’t surprised, in all honesty, no one liked to stick around, not even Sammy. 

So on this night, Benny was getting some much needed rest, even though they didn’t often need sleep in this alternate dimension, Cas never needed it and Dean fought it the best he could. But he slept the night before, this time it was Benny’s turn, Dean took the first watch on the outskirts of their makeshift camp. Cas was off somewhere, making sure no Leviathan were lurking. 

Dean dug his blade into the dirt, a habit he’d developed out of boredom; there were probably tiny holes all over the damned place now thanks to him. He’d left his mark. 

He heard a sudden crack of sticks to his right and was immediately on high alert, he began slowly standing from his tree root and turned in a small circle, looking for the source of the sound. 

“It’s only me.” Cas said, turning up on Dean’s left; Dean nearly stabbed him but groaned and threw the knife into the dirt, it stood straight up. 

“Warn me next time, hmm?” Dean huffed, plopping back down on his tree root and leaning back against the tree. 

“I apologize.” Cas sighed, sitting next to him. 

“It’s alright. Did you find anything out there?” He asked, Castiel shook his head. 

“It would appear that we are actually moderately safe.” He said, “I still put up sigils just in case.” 

“Gotta be prepared for anything.” Dean said, looking at the angel and resisting the urge to run his hand over that scruff. Dean had offered to help him shave, stating that he could use his knife. Castiel wouldn’t have it, something about the beard was appealing to him, and Dean had to admit that it did something for him as well. He shifted slightly, trying not to get all hot and bothered in Purgatory, the moment they stopped to have a little fun was the moment a Leviathan would jump in and bite their heads off. 

“Dean.” Castiel said, breaking the hunter from his stupor; when he looked at the angel he saw the same struggle he was currently dealing with. He sighed. 

There were no pretensions, preambles nor was there any hesitation, Dean reached out and grabbed Cas by his stupid dirty trench coat that he couldn’t believe he was still wearing, and pulled him against him. He allowed himself to run his hand through the beard and flicked his tongue over dirty, chapped lips, licking straight into Castiel’s mouth. 

The angels’ stifled groan was enough to make Dean crazy as Castiel pushed him back against the tree and was immediately on top of him, his knees on either side of the hunter as he ran his hands down the well worn t-shirt that Dean couldn’t wait to be rid of. 

“Cas-” Dean breathed as the angel began kissing down his neck and bit at the skin through the dirty shirt. His hands were beginning to run up Dean’s thighs and they finally reached their destination. With one hand, Castiel ran his fingers along the length of Dean through the denim, with the other he was unbuttoning the jeans, Dean stopped his progress, “I want this-” He whispered, Castiel looked up at him and smirked, “I want you, but it’s just... It’s not safe, man.” 

Castiel sighed and stopped trying to literally get into Dean’s pants and leaned up, kissing him roughly, not allowing him to speak again. While he worked his tongue against Dean’s, his hand went back to work, stroking the hunter until he was rigid and he ran his thumb over the tip, using the bit of lubrication to keep his strokes comfortable, though the rough hands had another effect all together. 

“Stop thinking about the danger.” Castiel muttered against Dean’s ear before he bit at it, Dean shuddered, “Let me do this.” He pleaded and Dean’s protesting hands released Cas and allowed him to lower his head until he could take Dean into his mouth. He groaned at the heat and looked around for signs of any monster that could possibly drop down from a tree. Castiel reached up and ran his hand through Dean’s hair as an attempt to bring his attention back down to what he was doing. It worked, Dean grabbed a fist full of Cas’ hair and allowed himself to make an ungodly sound that was sure to wake Benny. 

Castiel moved faster, using his other hand to supplement what bit of Dean he couldn’t swallow and the hunter watched in awe, breathing heavily as his muscles began to tighten. He warned the angel, who didn’t move but instead continued to lick his way up the length of the hunter and when the time came, he swallowed every last bit Dean had to offer. He looked up at Dean through heavy lids and smiled, kissing him lightly as he turned and leaned back against the tree. Dean sighed and concealed himself before turning onto Castiel and kissing him. Cas pushed him back into his spot. 

“That was just for you.” He sighed, “You don’t have to return the favor.” 

“And if I want to?” Dean asked, smirking as he kissed Cas’ neck lightly just beneath his ear. Castiel stifled a noise and squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them again they were hardened, Dean furrowed his brow in confusion. 

“There’s no time. Benny will be awake soon.” He said, his eyes motioning to behind the tree to their camp. 

“Right.” Dean said, he was a bit grouchy but shrugged it off. Instead he ran his hand along Cas’ arm until he found the angel’s hand and entwined their fingers, “Sit with me then.” He glanced hesitantly at Castiel but found him smiling. 

“Of course.” He said and they both turned their eyes forward and watched the dark woods, their hands still clasped together. 

Dean didn’t understand that this was meant to be goodbye; in the morning they were going to find the exit, they were going to get out, but Castiel wasn’t going with them. Castiel didn’t understand that Dean leaving him behind would break the hunters heart irreparably.


End file.
